PSYCHOLOGY
What Is Limerence and Why Is It Bad for You?
It’s not really a new term, now that I think about it. One of my best friends mentioned it to me off-handedly about a decade ago, describing it as something that’s not quite love but also more than a simple crush.
Limerence, is what she called it.
But lately, the same term is making the rounds on social media, and it’s got the attention of people like me who keep tabs on the newest dating and relationship trends. What does it really mean? What are the signs that someone is dealing with this kind of feeling?
And is it really fair to associate it with love?
Are You Experiencing Limerence?
A lot of people describe limerence as a state of intense infatuation for someone, often to the point of obsession.
You think about her all the time, even when you desperately don’t want to. You catch yourself daydreaming about her. You want to know everything about her, even if you’re not together. Even if she doesn’t feel the same way.
Even if she doesn’t know who you are.
According to Dorothy Tennov, the American psychologist who coined the term, limerence is a feeling that directs the person, instead of the other way around. The very thought of the person you feel this way for becomes an obsession.
It can make you “passionately want someone [you] don’t want at all”.
So if you have a woman you’ve been fantasizing about, someone you think is perfect for you even if you don’t know her all that well, then there’s a huge possibility that you’re experiencing limerence.
But unlike genuine romantic feelings, your attachment is hinged on an idealistic image of her, a version of her in your head that may not even be real.
And maybe, just maybe, it’s starting to have a negative impact on your life.
The Effects Limerence Can Have on Your Life
If what you’re feeling really is limerence, then it can go real bad real fast if you’re not careful.
The most common characteristics seem to be how extreme the emotion is and the lack of control you have over it and its effects on you. Instead of making you feel connected to the object of your affection, it can even make you feel isolated and exacerbate any feeling of loneliness.
If you have an acquaintance, for example, who you admire but aren’t exactly friends with, then developing limerence for her can push her away if you spend too much time fantasizing about a relationship with her instead of getting to know her better.
And if you meet someone special online but don’t make any efforts to meet her or get to know her better, then you can end up putting her on a pedestal and falling victim to limerence instead of giving yourself a shot at finding true love.
How to Beat Limerence
One of the first things you need to do is understand your feelings.
Even if you struggle with introspection, you can always analyze your actions and motivations. If your feelings are largely one-sided and not based on anything concrete, then it may just be limerence.
Once you’ve successfully identified the warning signs, you can then correct your actions or reexamine your feelings accordingly.
To avoid having a simple admiration or crush turn into the worst kind of limerence, it’s also important to remember what a genuine relationship needs: mutual love that’s born from a real connection.
So the next time you start liking someone, whether it’s in person or online, your goal should be to get to know her. Don’t make up things in your head or nurse an unhealthy obsession.
Instead, find out who she really is — and who she actually can be to you.
