Stop the Self-Sabotage in Your Relationships
Everyone wants social connection and intimacy. We’re only human after all. Unfortunately, some people fear the thought of getting close to someone. Others are traumatized to the point where they avoid people as much as possible.
If you’re one of those folks, perhaps you’re engaging in self-sabotage in your relationships (regardless if they’re romantic or not).
Self-sabotaging relationships means actively ruining them — whether intentionally or unconsciously. People engaging in this behavior use it as a defense mechanism; to them, they feel they don’t deserve to be in happy unions.
Self-sabotage isn’t evil; rather, it’s a manifestation of unaddressed troubles. Some people practice it to the point where they don’t even recognize what they’re doing.
Why Do People Self-Sabotage Their Relationships?
People can ruin their own relationships for various reasons. These reasons for the most part aren’t intentional and are subconscious, making them hard to spot. Below are a few common reasons behind such behavior:
Self-loathing
This reason is especially common in people with low self-esteem. This leads to feelings of unworthiness, believing that their partners will eventually leave them anyway. Because of their pessimism, they act out in ways to push their lovers away, preempting pain.
Trauma
Difficult and abusive experiences can scare people enough to stay away from intimacy and romance. They believe they can’t and shouldn’t trust anyone because they’re out to hurt them. And since their trauma hasn’t been healthily addressed, they don’t take their chance at love — even if it hurts.
Fear
Fear comes in different forms. Some are scared of abandonment, especially if they’ve been burned before. Although one shouldn’t get burned by the same flame twice, some, unfortunately, take that saying to the extreme.
On the other hand, others don’t want to lose their independence and identity. Because being tied down to someone means investing a ton of time and emotions, they don’t want to feel hollow and trapped.
The Signs of Self-Sabotage
Like the reasons, the signs of self-sabotaging behavior can be difficult to spot because of their unconscious nature. These are the typical ones to look out for:
Extreme criticism
Everyone’s got flaws, yes? No human being is perfect. But if you’re being overly critical about small details, that’s a red flag. Things get worse when you reach the point of actively looking for your partner’s flaws as a way to lash out.
Heightened paranoia
Jealousy is one thing. Extreme paranoia is a different and unhealthy story because it’s a result of deep insecurities. You may be projecting your fears and worries, which does no one any good.
Grudges
Anger takes a toll on people, and grudges take that to the extreme. Holding on to them is akin to building a wall for protection. If you don’t let them go, you’ll just ice well-meaning people out.
How to Stop Self-Sabotage
If you want the self-sabotage to stop, address the elephant in the room and confront it. Talk to your partner and let them see where you’re coming from. Allow them to understand and help you because they only want the best for you.
Self-sabotage is tough to stop, but it’s not impossible. Take it one day at a time because it doesn’t have a deadline.
