RELATIONSHIP ADVICE
Getting Out of the Roommate Phase for Long-Term Couples
You live together and share household chores. You split the bills. Every time you cook food, you make enough for two. When the phone rings, you have someone to argue with about who’s going to answer.
Are you really partners or just roommates?
Well, that depends on the dynamic you have and how much effort you put into your relationship.
If you’re not careful, you can find yourself stuck in the roommate phase with someone who feels less and less like a lover and more like just another person in your house with every passing day.
When Does the Roommate Phase Start?
The roommate phase is a period in a couple’s relationship where the romance plateaus and they realize that their cohabitation is all that’s keeping them connected.
It can start any time but usually becomes a concern when they begin dealing with everything that living together entails. The stress of handling bills and chores and having another adult in your living space can make the spark slowly fade.
According to relationship expert Robert Castellano, people can get comfortable and fall into routines when the initial stage of a relationship ends. They can get complacent.
But that complacency can end up killing the relationship. Couples can start revealing their bad habits and become less tolerant of each other’s idiosyncrasies.
Instead of being affectionate and caring, they treat their partners as someone they have no other choice but to put up with.
Roommate Phase Signs
The good news is that there are indications that your relationship is entering its roommate phase.
You can take note of these warning signs so you can address your issues much earlier:
- Less quality time with each other
- Lack of physical and emotional intimacy
- Constant arguments that are left unresolved due to poor communication
- No more motivation to look good for each other
- Only talking about responsibilities at home
- Persistent desire to leave the house and spend time with other people
These signs can manifest differently in couples, but the general idea remains.
If you’ve started to resent the thought of being around your partner, and your living arrangement is all you have in common, then you may already be in your roommate phase.
How to Get out of the Roommate Phase
Any couple will always face challenges that can test their love and commitment.
In long-distance relationships, for example, it’s very important to bridge the gap with regular communication as well as shared goals and expectations.
To get out of the roommate phase and strengthen your relationship, psychologist Mark Travers suggests breaking the cycle of complacency.
This involves taking the time to sincerely appreciate your partner’s efforts and making them feel loved and valued. Because of the phenomenon called “habituation” or the diminished response to the actions of someone you see every day, Travers explains that couples can take each other for granted.
Another way to break out of the roommate phase is by ensuring you have things to share and talk about other than your responsibilities at home. You can sign up for hobby classes together or get out of the house every once in a while to create memories that aren’t associated with your living space.
If you break the monotony and regularly express your love for each other, you can keep the spark alive.
Remember, you share not just a house with your partner but also a home, a future, and the rest of your lives.
References
Castellano, Robert. 2024. “Complacency: The Relationship Killer.” Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-humanistic-explorer/202408/complacency-the-relationship-killer.
Travers, Mark. 2023. “3 Ways To Break A Cycle Of ‘Relationship Complacency,’ According To A Psychologist.” Forbes. https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2023/07/18/3-ways-to-break-a-cycle-of-relationship-complacency-according-to-a-psychologist/.
