PSYCHOLOGY
What Is ‘Rebecca Syndrome’ and Does Your Girlfriend Have It?
Being able to talk about your past relationships is a sign of trust and healthy communication.
But sometimes, letting your girlfriend know about who you used to date can backfire spectacularly, and one example that’s been trending lately is the Rebecca Syndrome.
The term is credited to British psychoanalyst Dr. Darian Leader, who took inspiration from the 1938 gothic novel by Daphne du Maurier titled Rebecca. In the book, a woman who married a wealthy widower became obsessed with her husband’s late first wife, Rebecca.
It’s a bit of a misnomer, since in the story, Rebecca is the object of the fixation. But Rebecca Syndrome is exactly the phenomenon that’s depicted in Du Maurier’s novel: a pathological obsession over a partner’s ex.
Its popular origin may have been a work of fiction, but this behavior also occurs in real life, and it can lead to a lot of problems and ruined relationships.
So if you find the whole concept familiar, stick around. The woman you’re currently dating may just fit the bill.
Rebecca Syndrome Symptoms
While Rebecca Syndrome is neither a clinical nor an official term, there are signs that are often consistent among those who’ve experienced it:
- Constant and excessive jealousy
After finding out about your exes either from you or from other sources, your girlfriend can start being clingy and exceedingly jealous.
Though jealousy is a common emotion, someone with Rebecca Syndrome has the tendency to take it to another level.
- Obsession over your past lovers
Your girlfriend can also insist on finding out more about your exes. She’ll ask you detailed or invasive questions and can even start stalking them online.
Sometimes, she will fixate on one particular woman, and every mention of that ex’s name can cause a huge argument between the two of you.
- Extreme suspicion of infidelity
Another common sign of Rebecca Syndrome is someone’s lack of trust in their partner.
If your girlfriend feels insecure because of her perceived competition with your exes, she may convince herself that you don’t love her and that you’ll jump at the first opportunity to cheat on her and get back together with a former partner.
- Lack of satisfaction with your relationship
Usually, nothing you do can convince your girlfriend that your exes are not a threat to her and to your relationship.
This means that you constantly need to make an effort to shower her with love and attention, neither of which is enough to make her happy.
She Has Rebecca Syndrome. Now What?
Finding out that your girlfriend is just like the second Mrs. de Winter in the book is not easy, especially when you know you never gave her any reason to feel that way.
Trust is vital to any successful bond, so you can start addressing her Rebecca Syndrome by showing your girlfriend, through words and actions, that your past relationships belong in the past. She doesn’t need to compare herself to any of your exes.
You can also draw comparisons between your former lovers and her own. If you’re not threatened by her ex-boyfriends because you have faith in her love for you, why can’t she feel the same?
After that, the rest is up to your girlfriend.
She has to meet you halfway and work on her issues herself. When dealing with Rebecca Syndrome in your relationship, you shouldn’t have to constantly walk on eggshells so as not to upset her.
Because if your girlfriend can’t come to terms with your past, then perhaps she’s not the right person to be with you in your future.
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