DATING CULTURE
The Real Reasons Why Men Don’t Want Feminist Girlfriends
In some circles, feminism is equated to misandry or hatred of men. As such, having a feminist girlfriend is akin to social suicide — or at the very least voluntary emasculation.
Obviously, this kind of thinking is inaccurate, not to mention a little dramatic. But I also know that plenty of men really believe this, so much so that they will actively avoid dating any woman who calls herself a feminist. Many feminist women have started worrying that they will end up alone as a result.
So in order to get a better grasp on why this is such a prevalent belief, I spoke to a few of my colleagues and clients, and I asked them for their two cents on the issue. Here’s what they have to say:
Denys, Divorced and Father of Two
A feminist girlfriend, according to Denys, will often be a feminist first and a girlfriend second. Those just aren’t the kinds of priorities most men will go for.
Denys says she will most likely spend a lot of time eschewing gender roles and loudly proclaiming her low opinion of men all while standing next to the man she’s supposedly in love with.
Henrik, Married to His High School Sweetheart
While Henrik’s wife is an accomplished nurse and a feminist herself, he still understands why some men steer clear of choices that will land them a feminist girlfriend.
The way he sees it, plenty of women who call themselves feminists end up cherry-picking ideals and beliefs that apply to them while ignoring and condemning the rest of their sisters.
Henrik has plenty of women in his life who’ve chosen to embody certain gender roles, like being a stay-at-home mother and a dedicated wife, and many “feminists” tend to automatically criticize these women without bothering to learn their motivations simply because their choices are more traditional than others.
Jonathan, Proud Serial Dater
Jon tells me he has no problem dating feminists, not really, but he does admit that being with a feminist girlfriend makes his life that much more complicated.
For one, he’s observed that it’s hard to be a gentleman around a feminist. Most of them believe that chivalry is dead, and if a man really wants to score, he needs to treat her as an equal.
He agrees with the equality part, Jon says, but it also gets tiresome trying to walk on eggshells and figure out which things are allowed and which ones aren’t. Does she want him to be forward and romantic? Or does she want him to be shy and submissive?
Marta, Sympathetic Relationship Counselor
My first takeaway after this little investigation is that there’s more than a few misconceptions out there about what it really means to be both a feminist and a feminist girlfriend.
I can’t say I’m surprised. A lot of people — men and women both — are still confused about most of the discourse surrounding gender equality as well as modern dating practices, no matter how good their intentions may be.
What I do know is that someone who hates men isn’t a feminist. If a woman enjoys badmouthing her boyfriend to make herself feel good, then she isn’t a feminist. Any feminist worth her salt knows that she has to respect the choices of all women, regardless of whether or not they defy gender roles.
If you’re a man dating the kind of woman who hates men and judges the choices of women because they’re not the same as hers, then chances are you don’t have a feminist girlfriend.
But if you’re a man who wants to avoid a woman who genuinely understands what it’s like to advocate for women’s rights and gender equality, a man who doesn’t want to be in a relationship with a woman who wants to be loved without having to sacrifice her choices and dreams in life, then perhaps a feminist girlfriend isn’t what you really want — or deserve.
