DATING ADVICE
Future Faking Is Not a Sign of Commitment in a Relationship
The road to true love is sometimes paved with false promises.
If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, then you probably know the basic things to ask a potential lover: if they want to get married and have kids, where they want to settle down, and what kind of home they plan to build.
You want mutual goals and expectations. You want loyalty. Most of all, you want someone who is willing to commit.
But finding all of that in one person doesn’t always mean you’ve hit the jackpot. Sometimes, it can mean you’re a victim of future faking.
Future Faking Examples
According to Men’s Health, making plans for the future can help a couple bond. It feels exciting to talk about when your wedding will be or which neighborhood you’ll raise your kids in.
However, it can also raise a lot of red flags.
Psychologist Ramani Durvasula describes future faking as a manipulation tactic by someone “keeping you hooked in by making the kinds of future promises you want to hear.” It’s even a technique used by narcissists who want to make you believe that things will be better in a future that only they can see.
What you might’ve thought was proof that your partner is dedicated to your relationship could very well be signs that they want to trap you in it.
To help you differentiate true commitment from manipulation, below are common examples of future faking that you can watch out for:
- Love Bombing at First Sight
There’s nothing wrong with feeling instant attraction during your first meeting. That’s actually kind of magical.
But you also have to be careful about how intense someone is during your first meeting. If they give you excessive compliments and start to talk about the names of your future children before they even know your last name, then you know something’s not right.
Even if they genuinely mean what they say, grand declarations of love so soon into your relationship can make both of you at risk of developing obsessive infatuation instead of true love.
- Promises in Exchange for Favors
Since future faking is often manipulative, a toxic partner can use their false promises to force you into doing things that will benefit only them.
Just got promoted at work? Too bad. You can’t accept it because your career is not as important as your future family.
You want to go on vacation with your friends? But you need to stay at home so you can discuss your future wedding in ten years!
A toxic partner can use your desire for commitment as a way to keep you in line. They may smile and say things sweetly, but it doesn’t change the fact that you are being asked to make a lot of sacrifices.
- Plans That Never Materialize
The future that a toxic partner is promising you is fake. It’s never going to come true.
Deep inside, you know this based on the string of plans they’ve made but never followed through on. They always have excuses, but the only way they make it up to you is by making even more promises that they will also never keep.
How to Respond to Future Faking
Commitment is important to know if you’re dating someone you will someday marry.
But if all you have is a person making false promises and painting a picture of a future that will never happen, then it’s better to cut your losses and stop wasting your time.
The key is to be sure that they’re really future faking.
When they share with you unrealistic plans, ask them to elaborate and explain how they’ll execute those plans.
When they overwhelm you with their grandiose goals, learn to set boundaries and communicate how their plans are making you feel.
Lastly, learn to trust your instincts.
When you notice problematic patterns and signs of manipulation, take a step back and reassess. The best weapon against future faking is a firm grasp of the very future you want for yourself.
In the end, no amount of faking can fool someone who knows exactly what kind of life they want to build for themselves.
References
Ellis, Philip, and Erica Sweeney. 2023. “Future Faking: What It Is, Signs Your Partner Is Doing it.” Men’s Health. https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a33491692/future-faking-definition-narcissism-psychologist-explains-ramani-durvasula/.
