RELATIONSHIPS
Are You in a Female-Led Relationship Against Your Will?
Who always chooses the restaurants for your dates? Who controls your budget? Who has the final say on most, if not all, decisions you make as a couple?
If the answer is your girlfriend or wife, then chances are you’re in what many people call a female-led relationship.
What Is FLR and Where Did It Come From?
The concept of FLR, or female-led relationship, traces its roots to BDSM. According to Psychology Today, BDSM is the umbrella term for sexual practices that involve physical bondage, pain, and power play.
Unlike BDSM, FLR isn’t strictly about sex. It focuses more on the dynamics within the relationship — whose opinion is more valued and who gets to make the important decisions.
If you grew up during the ’80s or ’90s, you might think, “That’s what marriage sitcoms are made of.”
You know the set-up: an ordinary family with the husband as the primary breadwinner. But it’s the wife who’s the adult, the one who solves problems and acts as the authority figure for the kids.
The husband is content watching TV, going out for drinks with his buddies, and getting into all sorts of shenanigans. Think The Simpsons.
It makes for relatable comedy. But it isn’t always funny in real life. Some men feel like this has put them on an unequal footing with their partners, while some women feel like they’re stuck with a man-child for a partner.
If you’ve ever wondered if you’ve inadvertently followed the same relationship pattern, then you probably need to learn more about what a female-led relationship is.
Female-Led Relationship Levels
- The first is called low control.
It’s where the authority of your female partner is present but subtle. Most of your decisions are probably made together, with input from both parties.
However, you instinctively wait for your partner to give the go signal before you do or say anything final.
Most men willingly do this out of respect for their partners. Anything that affects the relationships should have both your input anyway.
But it’s worrisome if you have to wait for your partner’s permission before making even personal choices, such as who to vote for or even if there’s a diet you want to try.
- Next, you have the moderate control level.
Everyday decisions are often made by your partner. She may still ask for your opinion, but the structure of your daily routine is usually shaped by her word.
To be fair, I’ve met many women who get frustrated because they ask their partners for input, only to get the noncommittal, “I’m cool with whatever, babe.”
If this is you, try contributing more to your daily routine. You might be surprised at how welcome your input is.
But if she meets your participation with hostility, then you might have a power imbalance in your hands.
- Unlike the previous two, this next level is on the qualitative side. It relies more on context than intensity.
This level, called defined control, has the two of you agreeing to have your partner take the reins in a particular aspect of your relationship, be it managing the household or directing your physical intimacy.
For most FLRs, this level is spelled out instead of something you stumble into without your knowledge. There is often some kind of compromise or agreement.
- Lastly, you have extreme control.
A female-led relationship at this level gives the woman all the power and control in the couple’s dynamic. Your girlfriend or wife will be dominating you in most or all areas of your life together.
What Should You Do?
If you’re not careful, your FLR can turn into a toxic or even abusive relationship.
There’s nothing wrong with deferring to your girlfriend or wife occasionally. There’s also nothing wrong with experimenting in the bedroom or relinquishing control to establish stronger trust.
But if your female-led relationship has put you into a submissive position without your knowledge or consent, and you feel neglected or belittled by someone you expected to be on equal footing with, then perhaps it’s time to assert yourself and demand the kind of treatment you know you deserve.
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